shoutout my iPhone and Reagan Rush
I would like to preface this post by saying I have no good reason for writing it. I'm not really even a fearful person.
But I frequently joke, when minor things I'm afraid of come up, that said thing is a "top 10 fear of mine;" and someone recently asked me, "Do you actually have a top 10 fears list?"
The answer was no, but then I immediately decided I should have one, because that would really take the joke to the next level, and that's just the kind of girl I am. Imagine if I had been able to say yes, and whip out a real, numbered list and point to whatever one it was we were talking about! I thought that would be hilarious. Either that, or super weird, I'm not really sure which. I like to think it's a pretty fine line between the two and you gotta base it on your audience.
Unfortunately, this is a blog, which means I can't base it on the audience — you have to do your own basing. If you think a list of top 10 fears for no reason is stupid, I'm warning you now: you should probably go read something else today.
I would also like to mention that this list has a "fear ceiling" — that is, I am not listing obvious and widely-recognized-as-legitimate top fears like, I don't know, various types of death or violent crime.
Okay, with all that said, here we go!
TOP TEN FEARS:
- Puking
I have a deathly fear of throwing up. Seriously. You do not understand. I don't even understand. I have laid motionless — shallow breathing, jaw screwed shut — for literal hours. I have defied biology and chemistry and physics. I have sacrificed healthy portions of life that I could probably have spent feeling lots better if I would have just tossed whatever poisonous cookies were ravaging me curled in the fetal position and refusing, out of sheer terror.
Now, someone else is puking? I encounter puke somehow? That's fine. That's chill. I'm down with other people vomiting. If I have to, though, the world is ending because it's going to hurt and I'm going to choke and die. Everyone who reads this is going to think I'm exaggerating and I'm not. Call my mom or something. This one is actually really really bad. - Childbirth
I hear it's painful and often involves a lot of puking (see: No. 1). - The Muppets
It's a long story involving a 3D movie and unexpected, giant Sweetums character appearance at Disney World when I was three. I don't wanna talk about it. - Germs + liquid
I'm not a germaphobe until liquid — water, mostly — is added to the mix. In my mind, germs in any other form are kind of stationary and localized, but germs in liquid take on a new life and mobility.
For example, if I'm staying at someone's house, I'll walk around the house barefoot, but chances are, I'ma shower with flip-flops on. I have done a lot of dishes in my time, but I still kind of have to chant you're gonna wash your hands after, you're gonna wash your hands after to myself while doing them. I am very picky about public pools, and if I get in them, I will not touch the bottom or the walls (I know this is very flawed logic, but knowing that changes nothing). You will not CATCH me at a waterpark. Schlitterbahn can absolutely swerve. You're literally just standing in line, in standing water, that's been dripping off other people, to sit in a plastic tube that a million other wet stranger butts have been in, to ride around on some water that's been recirculated for God only knows how long. You think about that when you're there this summer. You're welcome.
EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE (other than just clean water): very large bodies of water (lakes, the ocean) and/or very fast-moving bodies of water (rivers, generous creeks, even). In these cases, according to my brain, the liquid to germ ratio is a very lot to a very little, or the water is carrying the germs way too fast for them to really stick to anything. This is called Science. - Louisiana
There are a handful of sketchy states in the U.S. where it's kind of like being in a whole different world, and Louisiana is at the absolute top of the list. The food is suspicious (I did not say it's not good, I just said it's suspicious.). The animals are suspicious. Swamps are suspicious. New Orleans is suspicious. LSU has won a lot of football with zero offense, which is suspicious. The English doesn't sound like English. What even goes on down there? No one really knows. - Bugs
This is probably the most stereotypically female thing about me, though I would like to clarify that my fear of bugs is distributed in a very rational, descending-order ranking system:- Uncommon/unknown — What is it? How do you get rid of it? How will it respond? Does it fly? Does it bite? Does it sting? YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.
- Wasps/hornets/small bees — Generally angry, very mobile, want your blood.
- Big/unpredictable — Large bug with little to no control over direction/velocity of its own movement, meaning you cannot predict or plan for a direct escape route while battling it. See: roaches, in-flight beetles, CRICKETS, GRASSHOPPERS, large moths, etc.
- Small/unpredictable — Small bug with little to no control over direction/velocity of its own movement. See: june bugs, honey bees, mid- to small-sized in-flight beetles and moths, etc.
- Big/predictable — large bug with predictable and logical pattern of movement. See: large spiders, scorpions, grounded beetles, centipede-types, etc.
- Small/predictable — small bug with predictable and logical pattern of movement. See: mid- to small-sized spiders, mid- to small-sized grounded beetles, ants, etc.
- Small/too common for fear — houseflies, mosquitos, gnats.
- Butterflies — pretty and generally chill. Skittish, even, which I appreciate. Ranked slightly higher due to occasional moth-like franticness in certain types (unpredictable), but not nearly as prone to dive-bombing the innocent.
- Ladybugs — very small, generally predictable, non-threatening, aesthetically pleasing.
- Lightning bugs — lightning bugs are not bugs, they are tiny magics. They can stay.
- Suspicious grocery store checkout line energy drinks/shots
Cannot wait to find out in like 20 years all the side effects of those multi-colored chemicals that are so good at keeping y'all awake. *sips coffee* - Getting lost forever while driving in any large city
"Wow, I can't believe this is it. I wonder which one-way street they'll find my body on someday? :(" — me realizing I took the wrong exit. - Medicines that cross the blood/brain barrier
Do not like things messing with my brain. - The way you can see inside windows but not out of them when it's dark
Not a fan. I am the blinds police. Those things better be snapped shut as soon as the sun goes down. And don't you even think about turning the light on in the car at night. We're like a mobile snowglobe at that point, for crying out loud.
There you have it: my top ten fears. Mostly irrational, largely illogical, very real. Now the next time I mention something being "one of my top ten fears" and someone sarcastically asks if I actually have a list, the answer will be yes. Joke's on them, sucker.
Was this the weirdest, most pointless blog post I've ever written? I think it was. I'm really sorry. I'm just going to end it now.
Y'all have a great day.